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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25136779">To Be Weak</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatKing_Catkin/pseuds/CatKing_Catkin'>CatKing_Catkin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Life of the Party D&amp;D (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon up through Episode 7, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Claustrophobia, Delphos Saga, Epic Friendship, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Icarus is a good boy, Icarus loves his friends, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Team, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Team Bonding, Team Feels, Team Fluff, Team as Family, Training</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:54:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25136779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatKing_Catkin/pseuds/CatKing_Catkin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Despite how much they give each other grief on the surface, Icarus has always taken Lorakai's advice to heart.</p><p>This includes Lorakai's advice that Icarus' claustrophobia and trauma are both things he can move past...if he just trusts his new teammates to lend a helping hand. </p><p>Eventually, Icarus finds the strength to start to tell both Mayes and Pandora the truth. After a little while longer, a few false starts and a few more adventures, he finds the strength to ask for help. </p><p>Even if their help doesn't magically fix him or make the bad memories go away, they make the bad days a lot easier to bear and the good days even better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Icarus Pelayo &amp; Lorakai Avitus, Icarus Pelayo &amp; Pandora di Rossi &amp; Mayes Hasagawa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Be Weak</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The thing was<em>…</em></p><p>The thing was that, until <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span> had said it out loud, Icarus had never really let himself believe this was something that could get better. At some point, he’d just resigned himself to a future where the best he could do was pretend - to himself, to everyone else - and pray in the meantime that there just weren’t ever any times where he was alone in the dark again.</p><p>But if <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span> said it could get better, said that these feelings were something that Icarus could master, how could Icarus do anything but believe him?</p><p>In a way, that was part of the problem. Because if he believed Lorakai about that much, then he had to believe Lorakai about <em>how</em> to make things better - which, apparently, involved “practice”.</p><p>He could think of only one way to practice, and that involved putting himself in the path of the fear. Looked at like that, it wasn’t <em>so </em>different from putting himself in the path of a blow in the sparring ring, so he could learn to weather it or block it. And yet, looked at it like that, it still felt <em>miles </em>different, because Icarus didn’t fear being struck, didn’t fear pain, even half as much as he feared the cold, creeping, cloying dark with its hissing whispers and its cold fingers reaching into his eyes and his mouth and and and…</p><p>This was stupid. He was being stupid. There were plenty of closets at <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Erren</span>. He could just pick one and step inside and close the door and—</p><p>Except even as he tried to lie to himself, Icarus knew that wouldn’t be enough. The closet doors would allow too much light in through the bottom. He would know that he was still in a safe place. And no matter how much he resolved to sit in what darkness could be found there, he’d still <em>know</em> he had the power to open the door and let himself out at any time. And, because he knew that, he knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to resist the temptation.</p><p>It took longer than it should have before he could admit the next logical step to himself. It was harder than resolving to start practicing in the first place. But the fact remained that he would need help in getting over this hurdle. That meant he would need to admit to Mayes and Pandora that there was something wrong (with him) in the first place.</p><p>It would have been one thing if he could have asked Lorakai. He knew, however, that Lorakai would simply tell him to go to the others for help instead. He even knew, much as the knowledge tasted bitter in the back of his throat, that the old man would yet again be right in doing so. They might very well still be teammates going forward, even after the exam, maybe for a long while. Hopefully for a long while, even! </p><p>It was this that made him terrified to fuck up the easy warmth they’d all settled into by admitting such a foolish weakness.</p><p>In a way, it was a terror that ran as deep as the smothering dark. The main difference was that it was a terror he could picture clearly as opposed to the infinite formless horrors that he always dreaded might lay in the cloying shadows. No, he could picture all too clearly what might happen if he admitted to Mayes and Pandora what was wrong with him. He could easily envision the looks of mingled pity and disappointment that would come into their eyes. He could imagine Pandora biting her lip, imagine Mayes narrowing their eyes, imagine them exchanging a sidelong glance. He would know plain as day what the look that passed between them would mean - <em>Oh, it looks like we made a mistake in depending on him after all. What a shame.</em></p><p>And - because all nightmares had the potential to spiral down and further down - he could imagine the two of them turning on him, casting him aside, turning into just another pair of bullies who jumped him in the streets for being an easy target. They could spread the truth of him around the school and make more people see how weak he was, how he really was only in the school because of Lorakai after all, how Lorakai should be ashamed to have a ward who couldn’t just <em>get better</em>, and…</p><p>It was a perfectly ordinary nightmare that woke him up, one night as the second stage of their final exam still loomed large on the horizon. He knew it was a perfectly ordinary nightmare because he endured it alone.</p><p>Of course, that knowledge didn’t <em>really</em> make anything better in the heat of the moment. It didn’t make it any easier to wake up with a strangled gasp, with tears on his cheeks and a hand half-raised in warding. Yet his thoughts still turned towards them, as he laid there in the dark and hiccuped quietly from the last of the tears. A memory took shape in his head that felt like a hand being outstretched in aid - he thought back to the three of them laying in adjoining beds, curtained off from the rest of the world, exhausted and exultant and <em>together</em>. </p><p>They’d made plans to visit the beach. They’d made plans for the future. And, of course, it had been Mayes who’d cut right to the heart of the matter. <em>“We should learn more about each other’s weaknesses,”</em> they’d said. <em>“So we know how to cover for each other.”  </em>It had made perfect sense, and yet, looking back, Icarus realized dully that at the time, he’d mostly been thinking in terms of helping Pandora with her lack of confidence or Mayes with their ghost-induced back pain. He hadn’t been thinking of himself.</p><p><em>"You expect to be there for everyone else and then you expect to be there for yourself, too,”</em> <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span> had said. </p><p>As he lay there in bed with an arm flung across his eyes, the sheets a tangle around his legs, and tears drying on his cheeks, Icarus took a shaky breath and let himself believe that maybe that wasn’t really any way to live, after all. </p><p>He thought of Mayes and Pandora, how quickly he’d come to adore them, how easily he’d come to see them as a part of his life despite only knowing them for a handful of days. He wanted to be teammates with them. He wanted to keep them close. So he would have to train to be worthy of that. Just as he’d trained to be worthy - all on his own merits - of entering Delphos in the first place.</p><p>Still, he wondered if perhaps it might be forgivable to take this new training slowly. After all, they’d be going on their first proper mission as a team, soon (it somehow felt as if the hill giant didn’t quite “count”, not really, not like this). There were still (always) other things they should be worrying about besides him and his problems. </p><p>He really was resolved to work his way up to honesty as he went out for his usual run that morning to clear the cobwebs from his head. That resolve might easily have wavered, however, if both Lady Kord and Pandora hadn’t forced the issue. He would have spent forever waiting for the right moment if Pandora hadn’t broached the subject first, and he never would have felt brave enough to answer honestly if the Stormlord hadn’t sent down just the best, most cleansing storm to help him get his head on straight beforehand. </p><p>So when Pandora did ask about his fear, in her soft and gentle way while backed up by Mayes, he felt too happy, too safe, to be ashamed or afraid. How could he feel any other way? He was at the <em>beach </em>with his <em>friends</em> and his goddess was watching over him. They really had all gotten the chance to take a beach trip together and learn more about one another. He knew that Pandora had sisters and Mayes was afraid of being separated and somehow they were all becoming even better friends so that for now, just for now, Icarus could no longer imagine what disappointment or scorn might look like in their eyes.</p><p>(Later on, though, he would remember. Later on, the doubts would come creeping back in. They always did. After all, his friends only knew that he was afraid. They still didn’t know <em>why</em>. It would take a lot more cleansing rains before he felt brave enough to admit the full truth of <em>why</em>. There was still plenty of time for them to realize they should scorn him.)</p><p>Time passed. They saved him, saved him again, stuck by him and eventually - after the second stage was behind them - he found it in himself to go to them and ask about training. </p><p>They were skeptical, to start with.</p><p>“It sort of sounds like you’re asking us to hurt you,” Mayes said delicately. They were all crowded around an outdoor table in the cafe area of Delphos, still picking over the last of their lunch</p><p>“Oh, he’s not!” Pandora said, laughing anxiously, fluttering her hands fretfully before she folded them in her lap to regard Icarus properly once more. “But I mean, um, it does <em>sound</em> like that’s what you’re asking. You see why it sounds like that’s what you’re asking, right?” </p><p>Icarus gave a half-shrug, trying to ignore how his own hands were clenched tight to the point of pain in his lap. “I don’t see how. I mean, it’s like when you’re learning to fight, right? You’ve got to learn how to block the hits <em>and</em> take the hits.” Even the swiftest warrior couldn’t avoid every blow. Even he wouldn’t be able to avoid every possible small space. </p><p>“<em>Right</em>,” Mayes drawled, slowly raising an eyebrow. “But that’s one thing. Bruises are one thing. Actually, deliberately doing something to, like, upset you, or stress you out...”</p><p>Pandora finished for him. “It doesn’t feel very good to think about.” </p><p>The sight of them both, each looking so very <em>troubled</em> in their own ways and on his behalf, made his heart swell with affection despite himself. It made him brave enough to carry on. “It’s not like I think you’d leave me locked up in a broom cupboard forever.” </p><p>“So what do you think this <em>would</em> do for you?” Mayes pressed. He only realized then that they’d been tracing their finger around the rim of their cup for the past five minutes. His request had really gotten to them, more than he’d previously thought. </p><p>Icarus started to shrug, stopped himself, and made himself sit up a little straighter instead. “I just, ah, I need to know that it’s someone else in charge. So I know I can’t let myself out and, I don’t know, feel like I’m backing out too soon or giving up too early. And I mean, having a couple of friendly faces to walk out to can’t hurt, right?”</p><p>“It sounds to me like what you’re saying is…you need to feel accountable?” Mayes prompted. “You need an external judge of your progress?”</p><p>Icarus brightened instantly. “Yeah, just like that! You’re <em>so </em>smart!” </p><p>“Okay, but, like, we’re not going to keep you trapped in a small space if you get <em>really</em> upset.” Pandora sounded as adamant about this as he’d ever heard her sound. “And…Icarus, why us? <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span> has known you so much longer, why not talk to him about this?”</p><p>“I did.” It was as simple as that, and yet: “He said I should talk to the two of you.” Not in so many words, perhaps, but: “And he was right. You’re both my teammates. I <em>am </em>accountable to you. If I should be telling anyone about this, it <em>should</em> be you two. And, if you actually want to help me, then, er, hey - bonus, right?”</p><p>“Of course we want to help you,” Pandora said immediately, and she’d barely finished speaking before Mayes was nodding their agreement. </p><p>“And I mean - <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span>’s right,” they added thoughtfully, resting their chin in one hand to regard Icarus with a faint smile. “You’re accountable to us. And that means we’re accountable to you. So if we help you through this, it should still ‘work’ if you know we’re waiting outside to get you out when you need it, right? Because that’s how it’s going to work in the real world from now on.” </p><p>“That’s right!” Pandora added fiercely. “We did it in the maze and we’ll do it again as many times as we need to!” </p><p>Icarus found that he didn’t quite know what to say to all of that. What <em>could</em> he say? What words could possibly encompass the full breadth of gratitude and love that swept over him in that moment, leaving his throat tight and his eyes stinging traitorously. </p><p>So in the end, he didn’t say anything. Instead, already sniffling against the threat of tears, he got to his feet and held open his arms in something equal parts silent request and silent demand. </p><p>They each got up to return the group hug without another word spoken. Icarus swept them up and squeezed them tight and sent up a silent prayer of thanks to Lady Kord all over again for bringing them all together. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Domus Callidus had a small group of above-ground tunnels in a corner of the training yard, just big enough to crawl through. After all, Domus Callidus took a lot of people who would eventually specialize in getting through and into hidden places, who needed to know how to move slow and careful and hidden. </p><p>Icarus had always tried to not even <em>look</em> too closely at them in the past. And now…</p><p>“Pandora?” he called, hating the way his voice was shaking already. “I think I’m stuck.”</p><p>“I don’t think you are, Icarus!” Pandora called encouragingly from the end of the tunnel. “You’ve still got room! Come on, why don’t you try to make it another inch? Just another inch! That’ll prove you’re not stuck!”</p><p>“Mayes—”</p><p>“If you want me to pull you out, just say the word,” Mayes called from the start of the tunnel. They’d been adamant that, if Icarus got stuck or got hurt or got…in a bad way, they’d be able to crawl in after him, grab his ankles, and shimmy back out. They said they’d done it before. Icarus believed them.</p><p>It was because he believed them that he hesitated before asking for rescue. “Wait. Wait. Just a minute. Just, um, let me try to get that inch.” And if he couldn’t, then he’d know he was well and truly trapped. If he asked for help first, he’d wonder and hate himself. He knew himself well enough to know that much. </p><p>“Go for it,” Mayes said.</p><p>“You can do it!” Pandora cheered.</p><p>Slowly, trying to ignore the feeling that the walls were squeezing down around his ribs like a vice, trying to ignore the sensation that he must be slowly choking on sand, Icarus tensed his muscles and reached out to drag himself forward, and…</p><p>…moved.</p><p>And, as the others made frankly far too much fuss congratulating him on keeping going, he knew that this meant he had no excuses to stop him from continuing on now.</p><p>Of course, his <em>stupid, broken brain</em> couldn’t let things be even that easy. It was at the halfway point that he next felt his courage failing and his mind rebelling. The thought crept up on him that he was at the furthest possible point from both of them and just like that, the hot, close, cramped space pitched and spun around him. He was suddenly so dizzy and knew for certain that this was because, no matter how he gasped through his mouth and gills, he was slowly smothering. Had even the tunnels in the labyrinth been this close and confining? Maybe it was starting to collapse in on him, or—</p><p>“It’s, it’s just — m-maybe I’m too tall,” he heard himself stammering. His body felt frozen and distant, like it didn’t belong to him, like he was just trapped in it like he was trapped in here. “I, I can’t breathe in here, you see? The walls, they’re too tight. W-We could try again. With a tunnel I’d, um. Fit in?”</p><p>“You’ve actually got room between you and the wall,” Mayes said. Their voice sounded hollow and so much further away even if he couldn’t have gone more than a few yards. “I know it doesn’t feel like that, because the feeling your ribs get when you’re not breathing feels a lot like being squeezed by walls. But if you <em>actually</em> take a breath, you’ll feel that the walls are further away. You see?”</p><p>“You’ve got to breathe so you can feel how you can still breathe,” Pandora finished. He could hear the gentle smile in her voice even if he couldn’t make himself lift his head to see her silhouetted face. “I know, it sounds stupid right now. But - Icarus? Oh, no.” He realized dully that the wheezy, whimpering sounds must have been coming from him. “Icarus, okay. I need you to take a deep breath. Even, um, even if it feels like you can’t, just, er, just follow me, okay? Open your mouth and just breathe in, real slow, like this.”</p><p>He could hear her breathe, in and out, and the sound put him in mind of the sigh of fresh air at the exit of a dark cave if he could just make himself move enough to get that far—</p><p>“Icarus, hold on,” Mayes said, their voice suddenly sharp and firm. “I’m coming in to get you.”</p><p>“No!” Icarus snapped, with a ferocity he hadn’t still known himself capable of. Maybe it was the realization that he still had enough breath in his body to snap, but he felt himself slowly clawing rationality back by his fingertips. “I can do it, I <em>can</em>, I just—”</p><p>Pandora was still trying to guide his breathing. He opened his mouth, dragged in a shuddering breath of air, and let it out as slow as he could. It took him a few attempts before he could properly match her pace. But, as he did so, he realized that - if he breathed in so much and so deep that his ribs screamed in protest for entirely different reasons - he could <em>actually</em> just barely feel the brush of the encircling walls against his body.</p><p>He really did have more room than he’d thought. </p><p>Crawling that last bit of distance to his waiting friend felt like crawling over broken glass, felt like being back in hell. But he’d come this far. He’d overcome this much. And Pandora was waiting for him. He could distantly hear her cheering him on through the dull rush of panic in his ears. His <em>friend </em>was waiting for him and he would not let her down, he would make her proud, he just had to keep reaching out and eventually…</p><p>Eventually, he reached out into open air, and felt two pairs of hands grasp hold of his to pull him the rest of the way out. Mayes had come around to wait for him at the end, too. </p><p>It was this realization, coupled with the dizzying rush of so much stress and fear leaving his body all at once, that made Icarus burst into tears and all but collapse on the spot before he even made it properly back to his feet. But his two friends were there to catch him. He never doubted them for a moment. </p><p>It was an early success, but there were still failures to follow in his self-imposed quest. There were attempts when he broke down entirely and didn’t even have the breath to protest when his friends unlocked the door or crawled into the space after him and helped him out with concerned noises and gentle hands. There were days when the feelings of smothering dark and suffocating isolation were too much to bear - sometimes it even got so bad that he forgot where he was <em>now </em>and thought he was <em>back then</em> and oh, waking up from those fits to the sight of the two of them looking so <em>scared</em> was almost worse than the memories themselves.</p><p>(But only almost.)</p><p>Still. They were always there for him through the failures. Whenever it got bad, they stayed close to soothe and comfort and care for him in their own ways until he could breathe again, until he could blink the tears out of his eyes and look around, remember where he was and that he was <em>free</em>.</p><p>And thanks to them - maybe even to his own persistence as well - there were also more successes to follow. Eventually, there even started to be more successes than failures. There were more times when he crawled through practice tunnels alone, or else sat still and quiet in empty classrooms or darkened closets, trusting all the while that they were waiting outside to let him out after just five minutes, then ten minutes, twenty then thirty…</p><p>They were there for him through the successes, too. They were there to clap him on the back and praise him for being brave and strong, to tell him they were proud. They were there to hold his hands until they stopped shaking while pretending all the while that they didn’t notice the shaking at all. They were always, always there to greet him at the other end of the dark, just like he’d hoped they would be. </p><p>Time and time again, they proved that they were always, always there for him, just like <span class="pwa-mark decorator">Lorakai</span> had said they would be.</p><p>Icarus knew it would be a long journey before he was over his fear, and longer still before he told them the truth of why he was afraid at all. But for the first time, he could believe it was a journey worth walking because he believed that it might have an end. He would walk it, because he wanted to be everything his two best friends might ever need for him to be.</p><p>He wanted to be there for them, too. </p><p>Whatever the distant future might hold, wherever their path as a team might twist and turn, it was worth it and he was happy just so long as they were by his side. </p>
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